Published December 14, 2006
Very short story, not really supposed to make sense (just something i wrote down and edited a bit, might do something with it, most doubtful though)
A tall blonde man wearing a tux and carrying an instrument case appeared in the alley, flipped open the case and next to the saxophone he quickly flipped through a combination, then pulled a gun out. Then checked the clip for ammunition, cocked the weapon, and screwed on a silencer. When finished he hid in the shadows outside a major law firm building in wait of his prey.
As it grew late, the doors opened and a tall man with curly brown hair walked out talking on his cell phone. "Yea honey i'll be home in an hour or so, yes, I had to work late, uh-huh, I'll see you later tonight, bye, love you too" the man said casually as he walked down the street. The other man trailing silently behind him performing a perfect glide step to avoid all sound. Then when the lawyer believed he had heard something he quickly turned around, only to feel the cold steel of a gun against the base of his skull.
"Bonsoir, Monsieur Mark"
"Wiliam?"
"Oui" William said as mark closed his eyes and said a prayer, then william pulled the trigger; Mark's brains making a pretty pattern on the side walk, his body falling lifeless to the floor with a dull thud. "vivi le tenor saxophones b*tch" William said as he walked away. Leaving the body to slowly drown in a puddle of its own bodily fluids, the dead blue eyes of staring down the street.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was rather simple and efficient right there. I love that opening. Its very no nonsense, no extra fluff is built up to make this character dramatic or anything like that, you just get straight to the point with what they're doing and I love that. It makes it work so much more powerfully I think because it gives off this sense of someone experienced in this art and someone that's very good at it with little empathy.
Okay...that's an interesting one. It seems we're not going to have this perform just do this thing from the shadows and vanish. Well that makes things interesting, that suggests there's a little more a play than a seemingly random assassination. Well it certainly keeps our attention a little closer here. I will say that the phone call there is also a lovely touch just to give us a reason to worry for this person that's about to be threatened with this weapon.
Well that ruins the entire aura around the person there. It got a touch overdramatic, although I think it gives a good indication that this was something of a personal vendetta than a more professional thing. It does give it more power as an ending I think, although if you were going for a more professional clean look, that did end up being ruined here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks, for the critiques. I haven't had a chance to spend some quality time and edit the whole thing just yet. I haven't even touched the beginning, but now that exams are over i should have time to flesh it out, correct mistakes, and make it a tad less confusing.
DQ
This isn't bad, although the length of the first sentence was a bit disturbing! Try breaking it down into two sentences for lighter reading.
"Yea honey i'll be home in an hour or so,"
Should be:
"Yeah, honey. I'll be home in an hour or so,"
"Bonsoir, Monsieur Mark"
We don't know who is saying this, so a bit of description wouldn't go amiss.
At the end, "william" comes up. Should this be a name, therefore capitalised to "William"?
But this is a good piece, even if it does need a little editing.
RR*
I decided to continue it. The story jumps around a bit.
"A few words on Mark's behalf William?" said the priest, snapping William back into the dull gray reality. The grim graveyard, windy and foggy, contained the burial ceremony for young Mark Artshford; the women dressed in black, their pale faces cold and almost dead as they pondered this latest wound. The men looking solemn and emotionless in their dark suits; their eyes staring past the grave, their arms around their wives comforting them.
As William stepped up to the stage he passed by the wife and family of Mark Artshford; his beautiful wife Cara holding her sleeping child in her arms.
Looking towards the sky, and then back at the grave William began. "Mark, was a very dear friend of mine, all the way back from middle school, best friends ever since. Who ever could have thought that someone would soon end his life for reasons unknown. Although his physical being may be gone, he's standing with us right here, right now, comforting the newly developed hurt inside us all. He wouldn't want us to weep over him, for the next day is a new day, do not dwell on the past; or... it will... destroy you." he said sighing as he trudged down the steps off the podium said good bye to Mark's family and a few other friends and walked to his car loosening his tie.
While Slumping into the seat, he switched on the radio as he drove off down the road back to the hell-hole he called home. Wanting to avoid traffic and a probabl large accident he took a back road. yet when driving he drove by the same spot where Mark had been brutally murdered. He Slowed down to a near stop and got a glimpse of the area being cleaned and picked over by cops and detectives. "Hey William!" one of the cops said as walked under the yellow tape; "You're late."
"Yes, sorry sir, I just came back from the funeral."
"Oh, I forgot, sorry about that."
"S'ok"
"You sure you want to be in on this case?"
"Oui." William said as he stepped out of his car and walked over to the curb.
"What the hell was that?" the other man said walking along side William.
"was what?" he said stopping and matching the mans confused stare with a blank emotionless stare of his own.
"never mind."
Okay, I'm going to do this crit in Cal-form because it's much easier that way. ^_~ Everything I have to interject is in bark blue and bold. Sound good? Sounds good.
Death of Mark by Dargquon
A tall blonde man wearing a tux and carrying an instrument case appeared in the alley, flipped open the case and next to the saxophone he quickly flipped through a combination, then pulled a gun out. [This, sir, is a run-on. A very long run-on. Hence the name, lol. Also you seem to be trying for too many adjectives here - describe your character slowly, not all at once. Describe his actions sparingly. Try for a more poetic beginning, something that pulls the reader right in. Maybe something to the effect of: "The man did not look out of place in the [name the district, area perhaps?]. He looked well-groomed if anything - tall, blonde and in a suit..." etc.] Then checked the clip for ammunition, cocked the weapon, and screwed on a silencer. [Another series of events, another list. Spice it up a bit. ^_~] When finished he hid in the shadows outside a major law firm building in wait of his prey. [You don't want to write 'a major law firm building' - it sounds too vague, like even the assassin doesn't know what building, exactly, it is. I'd advise giving it a name.]
As it grew late, the doors opened and a tall man with curly brown hair walked out talking on his cell phone. [Something of a run-on again - and you're getting all-of-a-sudden with the description again.]"Yea honey i'll be home in an hour or so, yes, I had to work late, uh-huh, I'll see you later tonight, bye, love you too" the man said casually Good on the dialogue, but scratch 'casually'.] as he walked down the street. The other man trailing silently behind him performing a perfect glide step to avoid all sound. [Awkward sentnce construction - plus you're using too mane present participles, no plain verb.] Then when the lawyer believed he had heard something he quickly turned around, only to feel the cold steel of a gun against the base of his skull. [How did William get on the other side of him that fast?]
"Bonsoir, Monsieur Mark"[Maybe put something after this, you don't know exactly who's talking as you read it.]
"Wiliam?"
"Oui" William said as mark closed his eyes and said a prayer, then william pulled the trigger; Mark's brains making a pretty pattern on the side walk, his body falling lifeless to the floor with a dull thud. [Run-on here.] "v[capitalize the 'v']ivi le tenor saxophones b*tch" William said as he walked away. Leaving [more present participles] the body to slowly drown in a puddle of its own bodily fluids, the dead blue eyes of staring down the street.This last part, the dead...street, isn't constructed right, it's awkward. Something to look at, maybe.
Over-all Impression:
Good idea and a lot of potential. You could benefit from polishing it up a bit, of course, but I think you should keep going with that. I like the concept very much.
(Critted for the CCF)
So, what exactly are we to do with something not meant to make sense which you have no intention of continuing?
OKay, so first off, break this donw into seperate sentences.
A tall blonde man, wearing a tux and carrying an instrument case, appeared in an alley. He flipped open the case and --(this part confused me, what did he do with a combination, where and what was the result?) -- entered a combination which opened a secret compartment; revealing a gun.
At least, it should read something like that, I think.
I'd put 'He' instead of 'Then' so its less of a continuation, more a seperate action and thus more readable.
Instead of telling us 'a major law firm' and of his 'prey', why nort show them both: When finished he hid in the shadows outside the building, waiting for the lawyer to leave and go home.
While I'm on it, why did the lawyer leave and indeed why was there even, a backdoor exit into an alley, from "a major law firm"?
corrections in bold.
This could be interesting, a lot more so then it is now, if you put some effort into it and made it so. Dont make the mistake of thinking everything you write has to be a novel and so write a couple of [aragraphs-- as above -- then give up. You could easily make this into a short story ( which are, incidently, much bigger then this) worthy of your prde.
Give it a shot, I say. I know I'd like to know why the lawyer was killed.